The Pregnant Slap

I think it's been pretty clear from previous posts of mine that I am not really a fan of being pregnant. Except for that small window in the middle, I don't feel well, I don't look well and I just want it all to be over. Some women handle it incredibly and glow the entire time, swearing they never felt better. Others glide through the discomforts as though they were only little blips along the way.

Whichever category you fall into, or if you're somewhere in the middle, there is likely one part about pregnancy I think we could all agree that we hate: the wildly rude unsolicited comments received from aquaintances, strangers, or even people we love. Really, it's amazing.

When I was pregnant with Addie one woman told me that I hadn't gained an ounce except for in my belly and my nose. My nose! WTF??? Who says that? I gained about 50 lbs. with that pregnancy and towards the end, anytime I saw someone I knew, I heard something along the lines of, "You're still here?" "When are you going to have that baby?" or "Are you sure you aren't having twins?" Forget the agony of carrying around all that extra weight, my swollen legs and ankles that resembled tree trunks, feeling like I had a bowling ball between my legs and the excruciating itchiness from the growing rash all over my extremities... Those remarks just about sent me over the edge.

This time, I'm only 21 weeks along and it's already beginning. As is typical in second or later pregnancies, I started showing really early. The question of twins came up when I was barely even 10 weeks. Last weekend, someone said to me, "Are you sure you're going to make it until August? That's quite a beach ball you have there already." I have only gained 6 1/2 lbs. since my first midwife appointment.

Ask any woman you know who has been pregnant if they have been the recipient of such words and they will undoubtedly bombard you with stories of crazy crap people said right to their faces. It will shock you and some of it will probably be hilarious. But let me assure you that in the moment, it is no laughing matter. If there is not some sort of law prohibiting pregnant women from carrying concealed weapons, there should be. If I had something of the sort at my disposal during those horrible moments, there's a good chance I'd be writing this from prison.

No pregnant woman should have to deal with such rude and blatant disregard for tact and politeness during a time when we are most vulnerable. Enough is enough!!!!

To combat this growing problem, I have come up with a grass roots solution: The Pregnant Slap. Now I am not a violent person. In fact, I am strongly against all forms of violence, especially that of a physical nature. When I say "pregnant slap" I'm not talking about physically hitting people. I am talking about a swift jolt to the ego... The emotional equivalent of when a dad smacks his teenager in the back of the head muttering "numb skull" after said teenager has done something incredibly stupid.

The sad thing about having such ridiculous atrocities said to you, is that when it happens, you are in such shock that finding an appropriate come back is nearly impossible. We end up standing there, mouths open, eyes wide in utter disbelief. Then the person who verbally jabbed us walks away without a clue that they have just wounded the soul of a soon-to-be mommy. No more.

With the help of The Pregnant Slap, when someone says to me, "Wow! Look at that belly! Are you sure there aren't two in there?" I can simply reach into my purse, grab one of these lovely stickers and without a word, attach it to that person's arm, chest or whatever body part is within my reach. Then, I walk away. Enough said.

No words, just a quick and easy way to let someone know that they should have kept their yapper shut. Really ladies, imagine the revolution we could start! Wouldn't it be lovely if a roll of these stickers was included along with the pamphlets and books you receive from your OB at that first prenatal appointment? Pretty soon, people would see your gorgeous round tummy and the only words they would dare say outloud would be, "My don't you look beautiful!" Ahhh... imagine it with me.

Clearly, this is a fledgling idea and has a long way to go before truly taking off. But in this exciting beginning stage, I feel that the possibilities are endless. We could even make some that say, I just violated a pregnant woman's personal space, for whenever someone touches your belly without permission.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Would you buy these for yourself or a friend? More importantly, would you use them? Lets put our heads together here. There's got to be a solution and I'm dying to find one before I'm out of my childbearing years. Perhaps true and meaningful change lies within The Pregnant Slap. Who's with me???


Auntie Em said...


Tamara said...

Uh hell yeah, I'd buy them. The "twins" and "are you gonna make it til ___" were enough to put me over the edge I was already on! I had the t-shirt idea "No, I am not having twins, actaully I am measuring perfectly thank you!" So, go for it!

Us said...

Do it. Please.

Kenny said...

I love it!
When Jamie was pregnant with Genevieve I heard some pretty stupid things, but the best was the dirty looks I got when Jamie was ~7 months and we went out to eat with my 2 year old and 4 year old nieces. People stared and even sneered at me, I guess assuming that they were our kids and I was borderline abusive or something for keeping my wife knocked up all of the time!

Katie said...

Hell yes I would buy them! Let's find a printer and get started! When I was pregnant with Jake I wore a purple shirt to work one day and someone decided it would be funny to say " My how you do resemble Barney today!" Who says that kind of stuff?!

Dennis said...

(Imagine Will Farrell as Harry Carry on SNL...)

Hey! What about this?! Let's make a T shirt that says,

Yes, I'm pregnant.

Keep your hands off my belly.'

Keep your comments to yourself.

Thank you from both of us.

sara said...

Thanks for the feed back, everyone! I think I'm going to get right on this. With 19 more weeks to go, something tells me they will come in quite handy.

Jamie said...

LOVE this idea! I'd buy em!

sara said...

Jamie, if I get them printed before we're done, I'll send some to you!

Anonymous said...

I love the idea! My own 'favourite' experience though, was 6 months AFTER having my baby, someone asked me, 'so, when is your due date again?'... how they are still alive is a miracle i tell you!