Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
~Sleepless in Seattle~
That is one of my favorite movies of all time for so many reasons. Today, the reason is that this quote easily describes the way I am feeling each and every day. It is such an honest answer to how we all deal with grief. It's a perfect description for what happens when I wake up each morning and realize that my friend is gone.
Many times during the day, anyone could probably look at me and think that everything is just fine. I'm doing everything I normally do--nursing Lena, taking Addie to the potty, reading books, smiling at my girls when they do something that melts my heart, cleaning up after messes, stealing kisses from my hubs when I can. But then, if you look a little bit closer, you would see that there is a light missing from my eyes. Because for right now, I have to make myself do these things.
For right now, I have to force myself out of bed and go through my day with my family. That, I suppose, is the crux of motherhood. Even in the darkest times, when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry out all my sadness, I can't. It makes me go on with my life, although I don't feel ready. It makes me see that even though I am incredibly sad, I still have these little beacons of light and love right in front of me all the time. It reminds me that in the midst of my grief and loss, I am still so very blessed and my sorrow becomes laced with gratitude.
I know it is going to take a lot of time before our normal day to day routines feel just that: normal. For now, it is a struggle against the feeling that the world should stop and let me break down the way I want to. I have yet to determine if this makes my grieving process easier or more difficult. Only time will tell, and lots and lots of patience.


Kerry said...

Oh Sara, your words are so beautiful and perfect. Sad and hopeful at the same time and so very much exactly what I need right now! Thinking of you!

sara said...

Kerry I am thinking of you too. You have been so incredible with your support these last few weeks. Sending you a huge hug***