Praying for purpose

I love to write. I grow excited when I sit down, look through our photographs and decide which stories I would like to tell all of you. I feel rejuvenated when I'm holding my babe in the middle of the night thinking about what my next post will be. I get jittery when I think of a new idea for a book and a story begins to take shape in my mind.

In those late night rocking and back rub sessions, something deeper has emerged: I haven't been able to stop thinking about what I want as my next step in life. Or, more importantly, what does God want for me in the next phase of my life. Of course, the girls are still young, but Addie starts preschool in about two months (WHAT!?!). Pretty soon there will come a time when I have more time again. It would be so nice to feel like I know exactly how I should fill those precious hours that I used to take for granted.

Some of my once free time has been filled with icky mom stuff: Lena is teething, I've been in and out of sleep deprivation, Addie is getting into activities (she's quite the little fishy), nap schedules aren't consistent, I'm brain dead by the end of the day, Lena's puking, Addie has a fever, Lena has a rash, blah, blah, blah.

But the edge of every rough day bursts with moments of heaven and bliss with my girls: Lena is starting to babble into words, "Da-da, Ma-ma, Yum-yum-yum, Uh-oh!". Addie acts out her favorite scenes from the movie, Tangled and sings all the songs to boot. Lena has sped from crawling to pulling up and is all over this house discovering everything within her grasp. A love for puzzles has emerged in Addie, and Lena can't resist chewing on those jigsawed edges. Snuggles, giggles, jumps, dancing, swimming, crawling, nuzzling, rocking, loving...

So no, life with two babes most certainly isn't all bad. In fact, it's mostly very very good, just also very draining and busy.

It's no secret that over the last six months, my presence in this space has slowly begun to dwindle. What once was daily postings turned into three or four times a week and lately I've only been able to sit down and share my heart in this life as Mama once every five days or so. Without a change of some kind, I fear that it could become even more infrequent. For lack of a more graceful way to say it, THIS SUCKS!

One of the main questions I've been feeling a need to answer is what I envision for the future of this space. When I started Mommy Honesty, it was initially out of a desperate attempt to share some frustrations in parenting and dig a little deeper to find the beauty of life as a mom. I dove right into stories about Addie crying it out at bedtime--I never even wrote an introductory post! Two and a half years later, I'm still going, still trying to figure out my point of view and what it is I want to say.

Personally, I am working on praying less about specific things I think I need, and simply asking God to show me what I need. (Did you catch the difference there? It's subtle, but significant.) As part of that, I'm trying to let go of my late night worry and just allow myself to be. No stress or pressure about when I write and for how long, where it will all end up or even if it's the right thing for me. I am giving myself the gift of time to let God figure it out for me.

In the meantime, I am treating my creative juices to a fantastic eCourse, How To Build A Blog You Truly Love with Liv Lane and see where it all goes. While I consider myself a pretty fast learner, self-directed learning has never been my strong area and in that respect I can be a bit of a late bloomer. This course seemed just the ticket to learn some more about the art of blogging, feed my hungry writer's soul and also take my time with the process. It is only the first week and so far her words have been insightful and thought provoking. This is definitely where I'm supposed to be!

I'm going to keep on truckin' with my posts as often as I can, but I ask for your patience and prayers while I feel this out. Mommy Honesty holds a sacred space in my heart and I want to move into the future with that in mind to keep it the best that it can be. Thanks for sticking with me!

much love to you...

If you're interested in taking the course as well, registration is open through June 13th. Come and learn with me! I'd love to have a friend walking this path next to me.


Jennifer Richardson said...

LOVING on this life-giving beauty
you've built
and looking forward to more of
those words that flow like
fresh water
from your listening heart:)
Bright summertime grace
to you
and your journey,

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Dennis Ouellette said...

Yay! You're back!!!!!