Saying the things

I am going to go on record for those who may not know and confess that I am a pretty hard core fan of Sex and the City. Sure there's excessive nudity and crass conversation that makes it painful to watch with a parent, but then there is Season 6, Part II. Oh Season 6 Part II, how I love you. The obnoxious antics, superficial plot lines and talking straight into the camera that annoyed the crap out of me in the first few seasons was completely forgiven, all because it led to the last eight episodes, which are perfection.

One of my very favorite parts [Spoiler Alert] is a scene where Samantha picks Carrie up on the way to Miranda's wedding. She wants to reveal to someone that she has breast cancer so she doesn't blurt out, "I have cancer!" in the middle of the ceremony. I had never really been able to relate to Samantha very much, but in that moment, I got her.

Ten years later, I was prepping for a second round of scans, blood work and treatment. I was miserable, but had previously agreed to attend an event that was very important to me. That day was particularly challenging physically, but I was determined not to let cancer keep me down and I was going to be there no matter what. Even so, I was terrified that I would accidentally shout in someone's face, "Hey yeah, great to see you! Did you know I have cancer? Well I do, and in case you can't tell, right now I feel like shit on a stick."

So earlier that afternoon I called my sister and said, "I am calling you because I need to say some things. I need to say the things that I don't want to say later and I'm hoping that if I tell them to you now, they won't come out when I don't want them to. Like Samantha."

"Got it." She said, "Say the things."

Aren't sisters the best?

Well here I am now, determined to blog again, but also terrified. There are several things that have held me back from writing these past few years, especially the last one, and they haven't gone away. In order to move forward, truly and with purpose, I think the best thing to do is get them out in the open. I need to let them go. I need to say the things, so that they won't continue to haunt me, or accidentally creep out and get me by surprise.

Here they are: The things.

1. When I was blogging regularly, there were times when I was excessively concerned with whether or not my blog was popular enough. I mean, really. I am a grown up, in my 30's, with a husband and friends, raising three kids, and I was worried about people liking me. UUuuuugggghhhhhh. Ridiculous. All areas of social media can lead to a place of insecurity, and while I am not in that place right now, I know how quickly it can shift to, "How many likes did I get? Do I have any comments? How many?" Checking all. the. time. Bad news. Very bad. 

2. I'm afraid this will become a cancer blog. I do not want that. Cancer has happened to me and it's part of the lens that I see the world through for now, but it is not who I am and I won't let it define me. (Clenching fists and stomping) I won't! I won't!

3. What if it doesn't work? What if I tell my truths and get it all out and I'm still not feeling any better? What if I spill my guts only to feel naked and raw and embarrassed that I put it all out there? On the interwebs. For all time and eternity. Sara and her silly cancer stories. (Yikes, that one got me choked up. Must mean I'm onto something. This is getting good.)

4. I'm afraid that my subject matter will be too negative. In this blog and everywhere else, my deepest desire is to be a light to others. The past eleven months have taken me to some of the most beautiful spiritual peaks I've ever experienced, but it has also lead me to a place darker than sadness: to apathy... feeling nothing at all. Being honest about my journey is of the utmost importance to me, but I don't want to do it in a way that's depressing. Sometimes that is hard.

5. What if I quit? The last few times I felt compelled to write consistently, life and fear got in the way and I ended up abandoning that goal for immediate priorities like breastfeeding and cleaning up vomit and sleeping and (let's be honest) binge watching Breaking Bad. Well my boobs are way out of business, kids are better at aiming for the choke box (story for another time), everyone is mostly sleeping through the night, and I finally know what happened to my little love, Jesse, who I still secretly worry about. Sure, I'm more focused right now, but distractions are sneaky little things. They can trick you any time.

Hmmm. Yes, I think that's all for today. They seem a lot less scary written out and not buzzing around in my head, these things. Smaller. Maybe not stripped from ALL of their power, but there's definitely less. A whole lot less. That Samantha... wiser than she lets on. Season 6 Part II for the win!


mary said...

I love you, Sara. So glad you are blogging again.

sara said...

Thank you, Mary! It means so much to know that you're following this with me. XOXO Sara